So I feel like my heart is being pulled in a lot of different directions concerning exactly what I should do when my teaching contract here ends (mid-June). Up to this point in my life, I have felt very strongly that I knew where He was leading me—to Moody, to work and seek Him for a year in Chicago, to move to Kazakhstan, to move to HERE, to return HERE for the year that I’m currently half way through… But as far as what’s next? Or what He wants to be next? Or anything concerning anything beyond mid-June?
Clueless.
So, help me?
If you’re reading this, there’s a very good chance that you know me, and a pretty darn good chance you know me well. Below I will write the lists that I’ve been making in the middle of the night when these decisions keep me up.
Read them and tell me what you think. No pressure.
I would be VERY HAPPY to:
1. Stay HERE, in this country, in this city, at a different school (explanation below).
2. Go to Graduate School. I’m very, very interested in the Intercultural Studies programs at both Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA, and Trinity International University in Deerfield, IL.
3. Move within driving distance of my family. I can’t hardly stomach the idea that one little Abby girl is being raised half a world away without me in her life. There’s a point when missing someone becomes a physical pain in your heart, like this dull, persistent ache—have you been at that point? It doesn’t get easier the longer you’re away. Instead, it becomes something you bear, something you know is unchangeable, something you put up with until you have your beloveds back in your arms. (Is beloveds even a word?)
4. Live and work and be in Chicago, мой любимый город—the city of my heart. But what the heck would I do there?
5. Move to Honduras and love on people. (wait, what?) I know this is out of the blue and uncharacteristic and wait, what? But this is HEAVY on my heart. The idea and dream of this keeps me up at night. 73 google searches (of just today and yesterday) in my browsing history concern Honduras (truly. I counted.). Why is this so unmistakably on my heart?
6. Work with refugees. Somewhere. Anywhere.
I would, if asked, be WILLING to:
1. Move home and seek what’s next. I love my house and my bedroom and the parents who live there and West Michigan and CLC and everything about HOME, but could I just move there without a plan? If asked to by Him, I could. But please, no. (also, for the record, I would be HAPPY to move home if I weren’t going there directionlessly (again, is that a word?). I love it there.)
2. Stay HERE and work at the same school I’m currently at. (explanation below.)
The explanation behind #1 on the HAPPY list and number 2 on the WILLING list:
I’m frustrated with exactly where my school’s at—they’re happy keeping their client-base very small. From their perspective, this is great—they have students who faithfully come back, year after year, to continue learning English. For me, this is not so great—I feel like I’m at a relational dead-end with this school. I have FANTASTIC relationships with my coworkers and students, but as students and friends move away to other countries to work and study, my circle of relationships shrinks, and there’s nothing to rebuild it. I was talking to one of my teammates here who pioneered this country with me in ’10, and he put into words what my heart was feeling—that what we’re feeling is “a lot of relational closure.” On my HAPPY list, I wrote that I would be a happy at another school in this city. Why? Because I am confident that I could maintain and even build up the relationships I have through my current school, even if I wasn’t working there, while having a whole new wave of potential relationships through a new school and new students. I don’t want to waste my time in this country—I WANT TO SEE IT CHANGE. And if HE wants, he can do it through the shrinking group I have, but I feel him bringing closure to my time at this school.
My PASSIONS:
Jsus and his command to GO into all the world.
Displaced people
At-risk children
Human rights/social justice
In some form or another,
I want these things in my life:
Outreach
Children
A language besides English (ideally Russian
or Spanish, but I wouldn’t rule out learning another)
More of my family
Stability (Is this selfish?)
Challenging work
Teamwork
People to love on.
Things I’d REALLY like to avoid:
Debt.
Ready...
Set...
Plan my life.
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